Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize