She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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