bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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