you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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