I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
