Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
