When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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