I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
