I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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