We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
