listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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