I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
