If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
