I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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