If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
