Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
