I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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