I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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