Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize