you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
