I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
