As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
