remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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