I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
