Pants 0. Shit 1.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
