yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
