you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
