he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
