Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
