Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
