Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
