I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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