According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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