I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
