I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
