Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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