you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
