God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
how drunk are you?
Several
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
