i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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