New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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