im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
