I met the friendliest cop last night
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is Oprah even human
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
