I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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