Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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