Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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