i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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