Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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