I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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