Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
