im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
