My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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