My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
