just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
