It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize