I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
