Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
