I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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