Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I could teleport
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize