My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
